Birth-PreK Complete...less than 8 weeks left

The first half of my student teaching was full of different emotions....there were moments I was so happy and other moments I simply felt lost.  AND I have NEVER been so exhausted in my whole life....like whoa!
I had some of the most wonderful women to lean on for support and knowledge and I will forever love them for what they did for me.  There were many days that I just needed a hug and to be told they understood and I felt better.  My students were amazing, challenging, eye opening, loving, adorable and everything else you want out of 4 and 5 year olds.  More than one attached to my heart and will forever be there.

There was so much stress and so many challenges that should not have been there.  My site visits never happened and I stressed about them everyday week 3 through week 6 1/2.  My supervising teacher ended up completing my evaluations and there were two major flaws in this; I don't feel she had a good understanding of what the university wanted to know about me in the classroom and I was graded more harshly by someone who watched me day in and day out instead of someone who comes and watches me for an hour and then grades me.  Consequently I got the worst grade I've ever gotten at GCU in this half of student teaching, something that I cried about and stressed about until I realized there was nothing I could do to fix it and that I couldn't go back and change anything.

I realized driving home from my last day in the classroom that the stress and overload I felt seriously affected my performance in the classroom.  The last day when all the pressure was off and all the stress was gone I let go and let the teacher in me really come out.  I wish the stress hadn't affected me the way it did and I wish I would have realized what was holding me back in the moment because then I would have fixed it.  I know there were moments I performed at the level I have within me but they weren't consistent enough.  The only thing I can do now is not let the stress get to me during my next 7 weeks in the classroom and perform to the high level I know is within me.
One thing I learned that I feel is very significant to my future is that I really want control.  I want to teach in an environment where I have the support of my teaching partner but also were I have the freedom to make my class my own.  I don't want to feel pressured to do things a certain way, I want to try new things and move with the times.  I want to be able to manage my classroom in the way I see will fit my students.  I want to be able to adapt the day to the mood of my students.  Maybe this is a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing but I want to be able to change things up and make learning fun for my students AND me.

I will miss my fellow teachers, those ladies were amazing support in a hard and confusing time.  I wish I could have spent a few more weeks in this classroom and been able to do some different things but that's not how the program works.  So I will move on and embrace a new (very foreign) environment and a new supervising teacher, I will learn as much as I can and not allow the stress to affect me.


My mom received her diploma today...signifying the end of her journey and I can't wait until June to get mine and feel my journey come to a close as well.  The end of the journey is frightening....what comes next...how do I get my credentials....where do I apply....how do I know when it's the right job for me....how do I ensure my students are getting what they need...how do I....where do I....what do I....
The only One who knows the answer to those questions is the One who already has my life figured out....I know that if I trust in God my life will turn out as it is meant to and I will truly be able to live His will.

Wow...Tomorrow Week 6

This has been a crazy ride.  I am so busy and so exhausted all the time!  If I'm not at work or doing homework I'm sleeping.  Things have gotten more and more comfortable and easy every day but there are still little things that I struggle with.  The last time I spoke with my supervising teacher about how I'm doing she said I need to be peppier and more vocal, and if you know me those are two things I struggle with.  Early in the morning there is NO pep going on for me, but I'm trying and I'm still adjusting to this schedule.  Vocal is something I struggle with too, I don't like to raise my voice even if its just so the kids can hear me over the music, it's not my personality.  But again I'm trying and I can only get better.  I was supposed to have my first site visit from a GCU faculty supervisor 2 weeks ago, well that hasn't happened.  200 points hanging in space because of her.  Her car apparently broke down the day before she was scheduled to come, she has not emailed me back since then.  No communication at all, so the end of last week I got in touch with the Student Teaching Specialist department at GCU and they are trying to figure out what is going on and how we can complete this site visit and the next 3 without a person here to do it.  I PRAY tomorrow I find out something so we can get it done on Tuesday because I leave for graduation Tuesday after school and will lose 3 days in the classroom and Monday March 17 is the beginning of my last week at Holy Family.  So many loopholes and so many things that stress me out, but I'm almost halfway done.

I will say I am going to miss the wonderful people I work with and the amazing kids when I move on to my next placement.  The women I work with have been such a huge support system in all of the struggle and they have taught me so much.  I have developed wonderful friendships that I hope will continue beyond this 8 weeks.  I have met some of the greatest kids ever!  They make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me feel loved, they frustrate me and so much more.  I love this age group so much more than I ever imagined and honestly would love to teach this age in the future.

But for now I will keep moving forward and learning all I can.
I am graduating on Friday, even though I won't finish until May 25th and I am SO excited for this trip, it will be a wonderful time to celebrate and then I will be back to business on Monday!

2 Weeks In...

So I am two weeks in to my 16 weeks of student teaching.
I was a bit worried about the teacher I was placed with but as time progresses and I learn more about her, I really like her, we have a lot in common.
I am jumping between the two PreK classrooms and I love both of them.  It's crazy how different students create a different energy in the room and a different classroom dynamic.  I get to see two different ways of managing classrooms, and while there are similarities the differences amaze me.  I love one classroom, they are super organized and the students know what is expected of them, there is rarely a huge outburst of misbehavior, this one really fits my personality.  The other classroom is challenging, I feel like if the students had a bit more organization and set routines that they would do just fine but without them the students LOVE to push the limits.  There are more "problem" children in the challenging classroom and I know that plays a huge role in being able to manage the classroom.

I love this age, it surprises me because I always thought that I would want to teach older kids (1 or 2) but I enjoy the atmosphere and their excitement for learning and life!  Some of these kids have already run away with my heart and some of them scare me!  I feel like I'm finally creating trust with some of the boys and this will help them be able to accept me as an authority figure more so than they do now.  There are a few girls that are just the best, they are sweet and make me laugh.  One girl I would love to take home with me, everyone loves her, she's very mature and just so adorable.  There is a little boy that knows tons about rocks, that's a pretty cool thing to know about, he found a really pretty one and gave it to me.  There's another boy that knows crazy things about dinosaurs, he's one of the young ones so his knowledge blows my mind.  It's so cool to learn about them and spend time with them.

There have been challenges, it's so hard to know what is expected of you.  Part of the past two weeks I had to use to learn about the classroom and see how things are done but sometimes when you are observing you feel like you aren't doing something you should be.  When I am asked to do something I do it right away and to the best of my ability but it's nearly impossible to just jump in and do something when you don't know how to do it and haven't had it explained to you.  You have to learn what each child responds to when being disciplined and remember to do that the next time but sometimes I just have to have help to deal with the situation.  I have had to fight with the stupidest copiers ever invented, I mean if I want to make a copy bigger and have already selected a paper size shouldn't I just be able to push a button that says "fit to page"?  But that would make too much sense and be too easy!  Then my teacher got in trouble for allowing me to leave at a certain time, the principal then wants to have a meeting with the two of us.  It was the dumbest meeting ever, Friday of my second week there and we are going to go over the basics of what the University expects of me during student teaching.  Really?  Shouldn't we have done that like day one or two??  Then he sits there and repeats like three times that most people who study education in school only last a maximum of 3 years teaching.  Why in the hell would you say this to a student teacher??  This is basically saying "You are going to fail but you better give me 110% while you're here."  And he kept saying "this time of student teaching is to help you decide if this is what you want to do."  Why would anyone go through 3 and 1/2 (4 and 1/2 in my case) years of schooling just to spend the last semester of school "deciding if it's for you"?  I have been in 8 different classrooms in 4 different settings, I think I should damn well know by now if this is for me.  The meeting was so frustrating and when we were done the kids were still napping so I had another hour to sit in the quiet and stew over what was said while I was cutting out things I laminated.  I came to the conclusion that I really just hope he was having a bad day and that's why he said what he did, if that's how he treats all student teachers then I wonder how many of them ask to be placed somewhere else or drop out of college.  I PRAY that for the next 6 weeks I don't have to deal with him and I can just deal with my teacher, the other PreK teacher and the teacher aids.  These women are amazing and only want me to succeed, those are the people I need to be around!

Having to do homework while being in the classroom is just annoying.  I want to be able to put at least 90% of my focus in the classroom but because of the other expectations for this course I can only put about 70ish% of my focus in the classroom.  But I will deal with it and do the best I can so I can get that diploma by the end of June!

There will only be more challenges to come but they will just make me a stronger person and a better teacher.  I have to find out how I get approval to take 3 days off for graduation in 3 1/2 weeks.  I have to once again make sure that my amount of time in the classroom is sufficient and I won't have to make up time in August (because there is no time at the end of my courses since it lines up with the end of the school year in our school district and because that would suck like no other).  Whatever happens I will make it work and trust that it's all going to happen as it is meant to.

So day off tomorrow and back at it on Tuesday with more responsibilities.

The next step...I'm scared as hell!

I have worked at the same job for 6 years, one I fell into in high school and have loved enough to keep since then.  While there are moments I hate it, people I can't stand, it has been a very important part of my life since high school.  I have watched some of the most amazing children grow and change, I have formed friendships with a select few of my graduates mostly my kids from the 8th grade class of 2010. 

I was able to watch some incredible teachers teach in the classroom and conduct themselves out of the classroom.  I learned that I could NEVER teach the upper elementary grades which is just fine because my degree only goes through 3rd grade.  My whole life I have observed how a school works, I know more things about every part of a school than most teachers do, I have been on the maintenance side, the kitchen side, the office side and the teaching side.  The best part of working for a school is that everyone no matter how big or small their paycheck is has a huge influence on how the students grow and learn.  One important thing I learned this past summer is how keeping your classroom clean and tidy all year will benefit the people who deep clean it during the summer and prolong the integrity of the building.  I learned so many things in the past 6 years and have been able to become comfortable in my position and with my simple life.  Tomorrow is my last day and I have two fears: 1) It will not be acknowledged and the kids will come to school on Monday wondering why Miss Lory isn't in the lunchroom, and 2) that there will be many tears shed by myself and the wonderful women I work with.  I don't want to leave my daddy, he struggles with the stupid people who are supposed to help in the lunchroom when I am there, so what's going to happen without me?  There are so many things I do, things that I know need done and things that are just natural but there are those who don't believe I do anything but sit on my butt at the computer and take lunch numbers.  How are the people I love and care about going to be affected by my absence?  Some would say it doesn't matter but I love my father more than anything and I love the ladies I work with in the kitchen so very much, it does matter how they are affected.  But it's a business and they will going on picking up the slack and busting their butts to get the job done and get their paychecks, I just hope my absence is noticed by the powers that be (or think they be...LOL).

Now I am facing the next step in my life.  I have been in college for 4 1/2 years and I am finally at the end of my journey.  February 3 I begin my 16 weeks of student teaching which marks the end of my college journey.  I will graduate in Arizona in March, alongside (sort of) my mom, I will continue student teaching through the end of the school year and receive my real diploma in early June.  Until then I will spend 8 weeks in the PreK program at Holy Family and then my final 8 weeks at Dos Rios Elementary School in Kindergarten.  I am terrified beyond reason!  Everyone tells me "relax, it will be fine, you will do fine, we will have fun."  Seriously people this doesn't relieve my fear or nerves.  I come from a long line of teachers, some damn amazing ones and to add to it my brother married one, really?  Like we didn't have enough of those already ;-) lol.  I have high expectations for myself and that is sometimes the worst pressure to be under.  My life is going to be super busy, something I'm not really used to.  Getting up early...hate that part!  Being watched, graded, almost judged everyday is terrifying.  No normal person can just blow off that kind of pressure.  Then you add the pressure of having an influence on the child, not only in the moment, but their life.  And learning these strange names people are giving children will be another experience.  I know I can do this but that doesn't take the fear out of the picture.

Then there is the next part of growing up, finding a job that won't just be a job but one that will make me happy BUT that's for another day.