The first half of my student teaching was full of different emotions....there were moments I was so happy and other moments I simply felt lost. AND I have NEVER been so exhausted in my whole life....like whoa!
I had some of the most wonderful women to lean on for support and knowledge and I will forever love them for what they did for me. There were many days that I just needed a hug and to be told they understood and I felt better. My students were amazing, challenging, eye opening, loving, adorable and everything else you want out of 4 and 5 year olds. More than one attached to my heart and will forever be there.
There was so much stress and so many challenges that should not have been there. My site visits never happened and I stressed about them everyday week 3 through week 6 1/2. My supervising teacher ended up completing my evaluations and there were two major flaws in this; I don't feel she had a good understanding of what the university wanted to know about me in the classroom and I was graded more harshly by someone who watched me day in and day out instead of someone who comes and watches me for an hour and then grades me. Consequently I got the worst grade I've ever gotten at GCU in this half of student teaching, something that I cried about and stressed about until I realized there was nothing I could do to fix it and that I couldn't go back and change anything.
I realized driving home from my last day in the classroom that the stress and overload I felt seriously affected my performance in the classroom. The last day when all the pressure was off and all the stress was gone I let go and let the teacher in me really come out. I wish the stress hadn't affected me the way it did and I wish I would have realized what was holding me back in the moment because then I would have fixed it. I know there were moments I performed at the level I have within me but they weren't consistent enough. The only thing I can do now is not let the stress get to me during my next 7 weeks in the classroom and perform to the high level I know is within me.
One thing I learned that I feel is very significant to my future is that I really want control. I want to teach in an environment where I have the support of my teaching partner but also were I have the freedom to make my class my own. I don't want to feel pressured to do things a certain way, I want to try new things and move with the times. I want to be able to manage my classroom in the way I see will fit my students. I want to be able to adapt the day to the mood of my students. Maybe this is a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing but I want to be able to change things up and make learning fun for my students AND me.
I will miss my fellow teachers, those ladies were amazing support in a hard and confusing time. I wish I could have spent a few more weeks in this classroom and been able to do some different things but that's not how the program works. So I will move on and embrace a new (very foreign) environment and a new supervising teacher, I will learn as much as I can and not allow the stress to affect me.
My mom received her diploma today...signifying the end of her journey and I can't wait until June to get mine and feel my journey come to a close as well. The end of the journey is frightening....what comes next...how do I get my credentials....where do I apply....how do I know when it's the right job for me....how do I ensure my students are getting what they need...how do I....where do I....what do I....
The only One who knows the answer to those questions is the One who already has my life figured out....I know that if I trust in God my life will turn out as it is meant to and I will truly be able to live His will.
